Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Demployment for Fijians good news

Bismillah. Good citizens of Fiji.

PM Bai in Solomons
I have had a very busy couple of months acting as PM of Fiji, whilst PM Bai went on his very VIP trip to Russia and the Solomons, and then to Hong Kong and a couple other places -  like mine, his schedule is so busy I have lost count where he is most of the time.

I have also been immensely busy pontificating over my new Constitution which is being spun to suit my vast interest in the holistic management of the Republic of Fiji and its people. And of course PM Bai's interests too.

Part of my duties as PM was to officiate at the Climate Change Rountable at the Hotel Sofitel, Nadi in July and I also opened some cave for the natives at Volivoli as well as the usual round of cocktail parties, Accountants Conferences and concept education seminars for the military men who are doing their best bending to be civil servants.

Lately I have received much praise from my staff when I attend to official duties in the native garb pronounced "sooloo vaa kay tongue ga" (see pictures).

In addition I have been preparing the way for elections too and taking my son with me on all my trips has been a sure winner as I have found the natives gravitate to small children and I present a convincing picture of being a good family man.

Which of course ensures I have their complete attention at all times.

As I have so much hate mail, my son guarantees that any sniper will think twice.

PM Bai came back from Russia acutely tired from being forced to drink heaps of vodka from the loss of the Sevens there by the hard drinking Russians who he couldn't tell apart as they all looked the same.

I have the same problem here in Fiji telling all the natives apart when I was doing village trips. My wife doesn't go in the sun even though she is a native. She is very fair in colour so I can tell her apart from the others, especially in her burqa.

My staff in the office say there is a curse on the team and that PM Bai should not go and watch them. I told them to go back to work or they would be sacked, just like I sacked all those Council administrators on the Western side.

However I am pleased to say that he arrived back in time to farewell the troops whom he promised the Russians he would send to the Syria to support Assad even though they are going heavily disguised as UN contingents.

This of course in return for military aid, new guns and ammunition to quell any opposition to the Fiji Elections in 2014. The UN of course will pay our boys and ourselves so we can keep money in the kitty for the military to carry on guaranteeing our safety.

Now I must attend to the nation-wide promotion and next video featuring my brand new constitution which I shall talk about in my next post.

Sukria, Bahoot  Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Unmistaken Identity

Some staff in my office almost got the sack today after they were caught laughing at an internet video , but in my infinite wisdom I decided to take a liberal and holistic approach to these things as I am very flattered indeed to find that whoever made the video has likened me to 007 James Bean.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Happy Fijians

Fellow citizens ... Assalamu 'alaykum 

This week has been very busy with me standing in as DEPUTY PM.

Here I am at the Fiji Airways functions walking down the Red Carpet.

PM Bai was busy too saying goodbye to the troops he is sending to the killing heights in Golan, Syria.

He couldn't spend much time with the boys because he and Meraia were busy packing to go and see the other boys playing the rugby sevens in Russia.

They are taking PM Bai's favorite nephew Dan Gavidi to watch the rugby as a reward for being Fiji's best media censor.

I recall some months ago he was busy planning his trip to Russia but the Qorvis consultants said it wouldnt look very good if he was going to just watch the rugby so they suggested that they set up some meetings with Russian officials so the whole trip would look official then he could take whoever he wanted.

I of course agreed this would look much better holistically and suggested he should reward his most loyal Ministers with the trip to watch the rugby. I suggested this list as :

Director Immigration : Nemani Vuniwaqa 
Min for Youth & Sport : Vili Naupoto
Min for Defence :  Joketani Cokanasiga
Fiji Navy Commander : John Fox
Bainmarama's nephew : Dan Gavidi 
Bainmarama's wife : Meraia

Naupoto and Foxy tweeted me this picture yesterday from Russia.

I must recommend they see the dentist as soon as they get back as they look like they attended the same fight in the village - not a good diplomatic look.

I was also very busy this week lecturing my Special Administrators  specially appointed by me .

I had to make an example of those native administrators that were questioning my authority by sacking a few of them last week.

 Here I am with the latest line up of Fijian administrators.

And I must mention my presence as CHIEF GUEST in the red chair in my capacity as Deputy PM of course at the "Kaise Baat" function (see picture below).

Also in the interests of transparency and accountability, I have enabled all government emails to go through my office portal, and I discovered today some kakase emails which have concerned me greatly.

In particular, I have found that Sharon Johns from Ministry of Information is continuing her correspondence with Grehm Davis from Qorvis despite telling us that she has fallen out with him, so I will be having a discussion with her in the new week.

What is very insulting is a video that she has made starring our PM Bai, which I am going to have to inform him about.

I reproduce her obtuse email here you for all to see .

In the middle of all these happenings, FIJI TV have been pestering me for their license, so I have let them know they cannot push me around until I decide. Isoa Kaloumaira was the most annoying of the Board so I have told Padam that I want him gone. Insha Alla.

Have a nice weekend and make sure to cheer our boys in Golan Russia this weekend .

Sukria, Bahoot  Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Power struggle is no big deal

Dearly beloved citizens

I am not in a good mood as I have been overwhelmed  for the past 2 weeks or so so my blog post will be very short.

June 5th, it started very well for me and my Gavoka wife and baby when we flew by helicopter to Tavarua to open the International Surfing Competition. I share this wonderful family picture with you.

My son looks just like me don't you think.

After this is when the trouble started and I had to take holistic action.

First I had to sack some Council administrators when staff phoned me to complain that they were acting like the boss for the Casino. Then when their Minister Sam Saumatua tried to interfere with my decision, I had to tell PM Bai to order him to resign as he was undermining my authority.

In addition, I had to assure PM Bai that his actions in ordering Fiji TV to sack their Sports Reporter for insulting PM's daughter Litiani were quite in order. I certainly did not see this as a problem - after all they are still waiting for me to grant them a license to operate, so I hope they will see the error of their ways soon.

The next disaster involved staff at the Elections office who were caught giving advice to the political parties. They had to be sacked for this was not part of their job description. In addition I have given the registrar for political parties Mohammed Saneem, strict instructions that he is to be vigilant about invalidating all political parties, so that PM Bai has a clear unopposed run in the upcoming snap elections to be announced.

Then of course other military ministers started to agitate PM Bai about me. I can tell you that they will be in trouble if they continue to do this. Insha Alla.

Clearly as I have revealed to PM Bai, he must be alert to this power struggle as there are many of his military men in key positions that want me out of Government.

Today Winston Peters has also decided to say something obtuse about me and about Fiji not having elections. He can say all he wants - after all is just a Maori native, and not a Fijian native like me.

Clapping for Golan
I was very busy today applauding the departure of our perilous men in green to the Golan.

This is a gratifying picture of the parade today with me in the VIP stand. My staff were hilariously complimentary and drew a halo around my head . Nice touch - someone will definitely get a promotion for their fine efforts.

I have just finished speaking to Geraldine from Radio Australia about that silly diplomat Green who took PM Bai's place at the rugby and got deported by PM as a result.  I dismissed her comments out of hand rather well I thought. Now I have to go to the Radio Station with PM Bai, as I am very busy serving the needs of our country.

If you have not heard already, there will be a  big announcement today at 6 pm by PM Bai about preying, so be sure to listen in. For myself, I will be going to my mosque to offer prayers for their souls in Syria. Insha Alla.

Sukria, Bahoot  Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Head of the Group of Six

My fellow Fijians

I only have a short post this week as I have been very busy opening conferences and festivals, taking island cruises on new boats and welcoming new planes into Fiji with PM Bai.

As the Head of the Group of only six men who govern Fiji, you can imagine this is a very demanding job.

I had fun at a recent Vodafone sponsored function where I had the opportunity to wear my Gaddafi hat (pictured) , and I also made it across to Malolo island on their new Cat with my son from my wife Gavoka's daughter.

PM Bai has been busy in China where he regards the Premier as one of his new besties.

I have told him to go ask for money in his cheeky wei.

We need it to save face for the Raiwai project otherwise I might knock it all down and turn the site into a new mosque for pilgrims from Dubai visiting Raiwaqa's holy sites like Ed's Courts and Raiwai's own top grounds.

Not to mention the infrastructure for all their shopping needs will be met by the Gold Century Group Company (Fiji) Limited, who are miraculously going to turn Raiwai's famous 17-acre swampy mangrove area into a modern retail centre with professional office space and up-market residential flats for only $500 million.

All this of course is in line with my sought after holistic planning skills.

Next week I will let you know if our plans for a snap election in September of this year are going to go ahead as we have a few factors to consider .

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

In the name of Allah, most gracious and merciful, I take away, inhibit and bestow

Bismillah. Good citizens of Fiji

Now Sharon Johns Smith or whatever her name is from my Ministry of Information berated me last week  for mispronouncing PM Bai's name in the YouTube videos that she, Graham Davis and Qorvis have been busy putting out over the internet.

Sharon and Grubbzi at QORVIS fancy dress party
She says I pronounce it "Beinimarama", which she means we have to shoot the videos all over again as PM might beitaka. But I don't think so as its quite a pathetic number that have even bothered to look at my YouTube episodes as it is.

Her days are quite frankly numbered. Insha Alla.

Notwithstanding now to a number of urgent national housekeeping issues no doubt you will be anxious to hear.


I am in the process of finalising this project. Because there is a lot of noise about i-Taukei land, I intend to bring back some of the original protections, which we (Bai and I) removed in the first place.

Of course this will endear us in the eyes of the people who will think we are heroes for enshrining protection in the constifusion.

Mind games of course , which I am the master of.

And then of course, after everyone approves it , we can remove it anytime we want as our parliament will be all handpicked by us - thats if we decide to get THAT far along - holistically speaking.


We have spent many years now trying to manage the economy. Now because Australia, New Zealand and Samoa have caused wide spread unemployment in our country (as well as close down bridges and cause all our pot holes). This has understandably caused some disgruntlement in the country.

To ensure that despite these difficulties , PM Bai's men gets the majority vote, I have directed PM and his soldiers, and Jyoti from the Fiji Sun to go around Fiji and give out loads of gifts to many rural villages across Fiji (special mention in Cakaudrove), which have included the following :
Me and the Happy Clappy Fijians bending to our tune

Knowing the natives like I do of course means that they will now bow and bend in the breeze to PM Bai's tune, and they will think he is just amazing - the people's miracle!

They are so shallow.

Bai is indeed Fiji's NEW PARAMOUNT CHIEF. Insha Alla.

In the end this is the key to getting PM Bai and I voted into Government as the people's representatives for Fiji. This will then legitimize us in the eyes of the world.


Undermining the Vanua and the Lotu is what we have successfully concentrated on in the last 6 years of our reign . This of course has divided the people and the provinces. Chiefs and commoners are all arguing, and even better they have even set up separate political parties AGAIN ! They will never learn.

Now we are taking aim at our last hurdle.

Continuing on our divide and rule strategy, we are going to buy people's allegiences by giving back what we have been taking away in stages in the first place.

THINGS LIKE : economic growth, job creation, access to education, electricity, water, housing, and sanitation.

All these things we are now bestowing back to you and pronouncing as rights.

Other things to think about that we are giving back (for which you will be so grateful)  :
  • political parties
  • freedom to associate
  • media freedoms
  • women's rights
  • youth rights
  • FNPF funds and investments
  • the opportunities to 'participate' once again in democratic processes, sit on advisory boards again, apply to be in the 'Senate', in 'Parliament', the GCC (maybe) etc. etc.Na’uzhu-bi-Allah.
Because we have ruled Fiji for so  long now, most people now think we are indispensable, and  irreplaceable.

We have created many problems for Fiji that only WE can resolve.

Remember In the name of Allah, most gracious and merciful, I take away, inhibit and bestow. With me and PM Bai in control I can assure you, good natives of Fiji, you are all protected from race, women , old politicians and the Methodists. Insha Alla.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Friday, May 10, 2013

Interference in Fijian affairs not welcome but new friends are

Fellow Fijians ....

The draft constifusion has been a priority, but I confess to be short-tempered as precious time has been wasted this week, band-aiding consequences of an atrocious attempt to blemish the efforts of my office in the tourism sector.

Anti-tourism website


The website I speak of is one set up by union figures both here in Fiji and internationally http://destinationfiji.org/  where they have advocated tourists not visit our peaceful democratic country. Felix Anthony in particular I have to report to PM Bai for saying that my decrees are draconian. This is an affront to my tireless and thankless work !

World Trade Union Website discouraging tourists from coming to Fiji
As an added insult to my intelligence Sharan Burrow, ITUC General Secretary has accused PM Bai and I of  "stifling criticism, discussion and freedom of association"

To add further injury, international trade unions are now saying that 60% of wage and salary earners in Fiji live below the poverty line Furthermore, they have dared to describe my decrees as "restricting freedom of association, and rejecting constitution reforms previously proposed by an eminent panel"

This is all just brouhaha.

These people are simple idiots, who fail to recognise me as that deus ex machina to all Fiji's woes.

New brand of tourist to Fiji forged with new friendships


PM Bai has assured me that his wontok bro's in the MSG forum, his newly formed friendships with the G77 autarchs, and the relationships he has formulated looking north with China and North Korea will bring a new brand of tourists here that won't care about such trifle.

All we want is their money. Everything else is secondary.

Those of you thinking about writing to me about the obvious contradiction between PM Bai's "looking North" policy and his leadership of the Southern G77 "looking south" - DON'T!

Sharon and Andrew during coaching session for PM Bai
In my holistic opinion, this is definitely bi-polar and I do not wish to waste my time on it having pointed this out several times to the honourable leader.

“Thus in the interests of global harmony, equity and development we must strengthen the development commitments of North-South, South-South and triangular cooperation.”

Read more at: http://www.fijilive.com/news/2013/05/g77-cooperation-needs-more-promotion-pm/53819.Fijilive
Copyright 2013 © Fijilive.com
In addition, I was disappointed in both Andrew Thompson and Sharon as their coaching did not terminate the cringe factor on the day of PM Bai's speech to the G77 to whit this sentence:

Thus in the intress of gloibal harmny, iqwuity an' devlopment, we musht stregthun tha develpment commitments of  Noth-Noth, Noth-Shouth, Shouth-Shouth, Shouth-Noth and triangular coprashion

In my book it was unforgivable to so publicly expose our PM to his major impediment. The anti-regime blogs have already seized on this , and this will only exacerbate it.

Fatalities on duty 


I was contacted this week by families worried about a curse on my government seeing as a Navy officer drowned this week whilst guarding the G77 autocrats at the InterContinental Hotel. Rahimahullah.

In fact it has been a matter of concern the escalation of deaths of military personnel lately. Of course this would not happen if they all ate better - things like apples, strawberries  and pears like my family have to keep them healthy. Its simple for goodness sake. Insha Allah.


Milestones this month 


My main man the new Registrar from Sri Lanka, Mohammed Saneem has been instructed by me to go ahead and announce the registration of the main political parties. This has brought (short-lived) joy to the main proponents of the anti-regime movement, as they do  not realise that they will all be halted and de-registered after I find them deficient in the requirements for the next hurdle I have placed ahead of them. They are all but fools. Hasbi Allah.

Other milestones I have engineered this week include the pronouncement by my Chief Judge that Akuila Yabaki, is indeed guilty of contempt of court and other seditious remarks. Yabaki said we control all appointments to the judiciary and independent commissions, and called this having a “dangerous” concentration of power. This is of course quite false.

Me at Press Conference with Altaf's water
We manage these appointments which is quite different to 'controlling'. Far from 'dangerously' concentrating powers, we have merely incorporated all authority in Fiji in an all encompassing way so that we can take Fiji forward on PM Bai's roadmap.

This has been very transparent as you can all see with more than 40 military personnel placed in charge of everyday government machinery, and not dangerous at all. We have not hidden this fact ,  in fact it is the only emphatic option to take, so what Yabaki has said is complete rubbish.

The comme il faut judgement by Calanchini is vey much in line with the *scorched earth policy PM Bai and I have pursued from the beginning. Insha Alla.

Reminder of my powers


To enlighten those of you who may be thinking to further offend me like Yabaki has done, and/or further undermine my actions or that of my government, this is the *policy of either intimidating you and your family by physical or psychological means , or pursuing you through my court system so that we bankrupt you and so malign your reputation in the community, it becomes a given fact that you never work again or be forced to retreat to a small slum somewhere .

Me (Attorney General) Policy enforcer
We will put you through such misery you will crawl into some insignificant cave somewhere and never emerge to threaten me or PM Bai again. To further remind you of the extent to which we can go, I would refer you to the case of Jalal and Tuisaloa. Be warned. Subhanallah.

PM Ba. Policy forcer
Notwithstanding other court judgements soon to be delivered on other critics of my decrees, I will also be pursuing all those people who have condemned my intelligence and my transparency - people like Mac Patel, Urai, Anthony, Samisoni, Narsey, Paula Raqeukai, Qarase, Teimumu, Nawadra, Baba, Beddoes and Chaudhry senior to name but a few. Na’uzhu-bi-Allah.

Business Community Portal


As Minister for Communications, I have decided that I will auction the 4G spectrum soon.

I made this announcement as the distinguished Chief  Eminent Guest Speaker to the high-powered Pacific conference on finance and investment this week .This will ensure that the business community in Fiji knows who the real executive is. Ma Sha’ Allah.

I anticipate this auction will enrich my office coffers by prodigious amounts. It is already difficult to process the visitations and delegations to my office from companies and individuals who wish to be dealt favorably by me. My financial adviser who is also my Aunt , Nur Bano will be assisting me in this process, and our advice will be accepted by our PM Bai.


World Media Freedom Day


I received this letter from my good friend Lomas at the Fiji Sun who said there were whispers that I engineered the removal of Narsey. Well of course this is my job. Tawakkal-tu-’ala-Allah. I cannot and will not have anyone speaking out against my government or my decrees. I publish the Narsey letter to show you that I will not tolerate such complaintsSubhanallah.
Dear Sir,
As part of the World Media Freedom Day celebrations by the USP Journalism Students Association I was invited, and had accepted an invitation to be the Chief Guest and speaker on their program.The USP management instructed the Head of School (Professor Mishra) and the Dean of FAL (Dr Kendrayate) to have me removed from the program and this was done.
It is an ongoing tragedy that our regional university continues to limit the academic freedom of not only the academic staff but also the students, while depriving this Fiji citizen of his freedom of speech and academic discourse to the journalism community.

Professor Wadan Narsey

New member of the Kahboom household


My new dog - Barka
My wife and son welcomed a new member of the household yesterday.

We have a new dog and her name is Barka.

She is quickly recognizable and well known already in our neighbourhood with all our bodyguards. Ma Sha’ Allah.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka