Tuesday, May 21, 2013

In the name of Allah, most gracious and merciful, I take away, inhibit and bestow

Bismillah. Good citizens of Fiji

Now Sharon Johns Smith or whatever her name is from my Ministry of Information berated me last week  for mispronouncing PM Bai's name in the YouTube videos that she, Graham Davis and Qorvis have been busy putting out over the internet.

Sharon and Grubbzi at QORVIS fancy dress party
She says I pronounce it "Beinimarama", which she means we have to shoot the videos all over again as PM might beitaka. But I don't think so as its quite a pathetic number that have even bothered to look at my YouTube episodes as it is.

Her days are quite frankly numbered. Insha Alla.

Notwithstanding now to a number of urgent national housekeeping issues no doubt you will be anxious to hear.


I am in the process of finalising this project. Because there is a lot of noise about i-Taukei land, I intend to bring back some of the original protections, which we (Bai and I) removed in the first place.

Of course this will endear us in the eyes of the people who will think we are heroes for enshrining protection in the constifusion.

Mind games of course , which I am the master of.

And then of course, after everyone approves it , we can remove it anytime we want as our parliament will be all handpicked by us - thats if we decide to get THAT far along - holistically speaking.


We have spent many years now trying to manage the economy. Now because Australia, New Zealand and Samoa have caused wide spread unemployment in our country (as well as close down bridges and cause all our pot holes). This has understandably caused some disgruntlement in the country.

To ensure that despite these difficulties , PM Bai's men gets the majority vote, I have directed PM and his soldiers, and Jyoti from the Fiji Sun to go around Fiji and give out loads of gifts to many rural villages across Fiji (special mention in Cakaudrove), which have included the following :
Me and the Happy Clappy Fijians bending to our tune

Knowing the natives like I do of course means that they will now bow and bend in the breeze to PM Bai's tune, and they will think he is just amazing - the people's miracle!

They are so shallow.

Bai is indeed Fiji's NEW PARAMOUNT CHIEF. Insha Alla.

In the end this is the key to getting PM Bai and I voted into Government as the people's representatives for Fiji. This will then legitimize us in the eyes of the world.


Undermining the Vanua and the Lotu is what we have successfully concentrated on in the last 6 years of our reign . This of course has divided the people and the provinces. Chiefs and commoners are all arguing, and even better they have even set up separate political parties AGAIN ! They will never learn.

Now we are taking aim at our last hurdle.

Continuing on our divide and rule strategy, we are going to buy people's allegiences by giving back what we have been taking away in stages in the first place.

THINGS LIKE : economic growth, job creation, access to education, electricity, water, housing, and sanitation.

All these things we are now bestowing back to you and pronouncing as rights.

Other things to think about that we are giving back (for which you will be so grateful)  :
  • political parties
  • freedom to associate
  • media freedoms
  • women's rights
  • youth rights
  • FNPF funds and investments
  • the opportunities to 'participate' once again in democratic processes, sit on advisory boards again, apply to be in the 'Senate', in 'Parliament', the GCC (maybe) etc. etc.Na’uzhu-bi-Allah.
Because we have ruled Fiji for so  long now, most people now think we are indispensable, and  irreplaceable.

We have created many problems for Fiji that only WE can resolve.

Remember In the name of Allah, most gracious and merciful, I take away, inhibit and bestow. With me and PM Bai in control I can assure you, good natives of Fiji, you are all protected from race, women , old politicians and the Methodists. Insha Alla.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Friday, May 10, 2013

Interference in Fijian affairs not welcome but new friends are

Fellow Fijians ....

The draft constifusion has been a priority, but I confess to be short-tempered as precious time has been wasted this week, band-aiding consequences of an atrocious attempt to blemish the efforts of my office in the tourism sector.

Anti-tourism website


The website I speak of is one set up by union figures both here in Fiji and internationally http://destinationfiji.org/  where they have advocated tourists not visit our peaceful democratic country. Felix Anthony in particular I have to report to PM Bai for saying that my decrees are draconian. This is an affront to my tireless and thankless work !

World Trade Union Website discouraging tourists from coming to Fiji
As an added insult to my intelligence Sharan Burrow, ITUC General Secretary has accused PM Bai and I of  "stifling criticism, discussion and freedom of association"

To add further injury, international trade unions are now saying that 60% of wage and salary earners in Fiji live below the poverty line Furthermore, they have dared to describe my decrees as "restricting freedom of association, and rejecting constitution reforms previously proposed by an eminent panel"

This is all just brouhaha.

These people are simple idiots, who fail to recognise me as that deus ex machina to all Fiji's woes.

New brand of tourist to Fiji forged with new friendships


PM Bai has assured me that his wontok bro's in the MSG forum, his newly formed friendships with the G77 autarchs, and the relationships he has formulated looking north with China and North Korea will bring a new brand of tourists here that won't care about such trifle.

All we want is their money. Everything else is secondary.

Those of you thinking about writing to me about the obvious contradiction between PM Bai's "looking North" policy and his leadership of the Southern G77 "looking south" - DON'T!

Sharon and Andrew during coaching session for PM Bai
In my holistic opinion, this is definitely bi-polar and I do not wish to waste my time on it having pointed this out several times to the honourable leader.

“Thus in the interests of global harmony, equity and development we must strengthen the development commitments of North-South, South-South and triangular cooperation.”

Read more at: http://www.fijilive.com/news/2013/05/g77-cooperation-needs-more-promotion-pm/53819.Fijilive
Copyright 2013 © Fijilive.com
In addition, I was disappointed in both Andrew Thompson and Sharon as their coaching did not terminate the cringe factor on the day of PM Bai's speech to the G77 to whit this sentence:

Thus in the intress of gloibal harmny, iqwuity an' devlopment, we musht stregthun tha develpment commitments of  Noth-Noth, Noth-Shouth, Shouth-Shouth, Shouth-Noth and triangular coprashion

In my book it was unforgivable to so publicly expose our PM to his major impediment. The anti-regime blogs have already seized on this , and this will only exacerbate it.

Fatalities on duty 


I was contacted this week by families worried about a curse on my government seeing as a Navy officer drowned this week whilst guarding the G77 autocrats at the InterContinental Hotel. Rahimahullah.

In fact it has been a matter of concern the escalation of deaths of military personnel lately. Of course this would not happen if they all ate better - things like apples, strawberries  and pears like my family have to keep them healthy. Its simple for goodness sake. Insha Allah.


Milestones this month 


My main man the new Registrar from Sri Lanka, Mohammed Saneem has been instructed by me to go ahead and announce the registration of the main political parties. This has brought (short-lived) joy to the main proponents of the anti-regime movement, as they do  not realise that they will all be halted and de-registered after I find them deficient in the requirements for the next hurdle I have placed ahead of them. They are all but fools. Hasbi Allah.

Other milestones I have engineered this week include the pronouncement by my Chief Judge that Akuila Yabaki, is indeed guilty of contempt of court and other seditious remarks. Yabaki said we control all appointments to the judiciary and independent commissions, and called this having a “dangerous” concentration of power. This is of course quite false.

Me at Press Conference with Altaf's water
We manage these appointments which is quite different to 'controlling'. Far from 'dangerously' concentrating powers, we have merely incorporated all authority in Fiji in an all encompassing way so that we can take Fiji forward on PM Bai's roadmap.

This has been very transparent as you can all see with more than 40 military personnel placed in charge of everyday government machinery, and not dangerous at all. We have not hidden this fact ,  in fact it is the only emphatic option to take, so what Yabaki has said is complete rubbish.

The comme il faut judgement by Calanchini is vey much in line with the *scorched earth policy PM Bai and I have pursued from the beginning. Insha Alla.

Reminder of my powers


To enlighten those of you who may be thinking to further offend me like Yabaki has done, and/or further undermine my actions or that of my government, this is the *policy of either intimidating you and your family by physical or psychological means , or pursuing you through my court system so that we bankrupt you and so malign your reputation in the community, it becomes a given fact that you never work again or be forced to retreat to a small slum somewhere .

Me (Attorney General) Policy enforcer
We will put you through such misery you will crawl into some insignificant cave somewhere and never emerge to threaten me or PM Bai again. To further remind you of the extent to which we can go, I would refer you to the case of Jalal and Tuisaloa. Be warned. Subhanallah.

PM Ba. Policy forcer
Notwithstanding other court judgements soon to be delivered on other critics of my decrees, I will also be pursuing all those people who have condemned my intelligence and my transparency - people like Mac Patel, Urai, Anthony, Samisoni, Narsey, Paula Raqeukai, Qarase, Teimumu, Nawadra, Baba, Beddoes and Chaudhry senior to name but a few. Na’uzhu-bi-Allah.

Business Community Portal


As Minister for Communications, I have decided that I will auction the 4G spectrum soon.

I made this announcement as the distinguished Chief  Eminent Guest Speaker to the high-powered Pacific conference on finance and investment this week .This will ensure that the business community in Fiji knows who the real executive is. Ma Sha’ Allah.

I anticipate this auction will enrich my office coffers by prodigious amounts. It is already difficult to process the visitations and delegations to my office from companies and individuals who wish to be dealt favorably by me. My financial adviser who is also my Aunt , Nur Bano will be assisting me in this process, and our advice will be accepted by our PM Bai.


World Media Freedom Day


I received this letter from my good friend Lomas at the Fiji Sun who said there were whispers that I engineered the removal of Narsey. Well of course this is my job. Tawakkal-tu-’ala-Allah. I cannot and will not have anyone speaking out against my government or my decrees. I publish the Narsey letter to show you that I will not tolerate such complaintsSubhanallah.
Dear Sir,
As part of the World Media Freedom Day celebrations by the USP Journalism Students Association I was invited, and had accepted an invitation to be the Chief Guest and speaker on their program.The USP management instructed the Head of School (Professor Mishra) and the Dean of FAL (Dr Kendrayate) to have me removed from the program and this was done.
It is an ongoing tragedy that our regional university continues to limit the academic freedom of not only the academic staff but also the students, while depriving this Fiji citizen of his freedom of speech and academic discourse to the journalism community.

Professor Wadan Narsey

New member of the Kahboom household


My new dog - Barka
My wife and son welcomed a new member of the household yesterday.

We have a new dog and her name is Barka.

She is quickly recognizable and well known already in our neighbourhood with all our bodyguards. Ma Sha’ Allah.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The facts behind the itaukei land issues

Cool Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Bismillah arRahman arRahim.

My fellow Fijians ....  as many of you know, I have been  traipsing around the countryside hallucinating on the draft constifusion and enjoying being immersed in native tradition. MINFO has also been busy filming me for my TV series .

Although the roadtrip was hard, it has given me an agreeable  taste for what a politicians life would be like.

Vunidawa was the hardest place so far on my road trip (pictured) as I had to work the crowd hard for there were blank looks aplenty in this particular session. Quite vexing in fact.

Because the Fijian mujrimun had laid mats down for me, I felt I had to remove my shoes which I customarily do not do, as this is reserved for worship in my mosque only.

However my wife the Adi Lady Marama Ela said rather sweetly that in this media snap, I look like a cool cat on a hot tin roof. Ma sha’ Allah.

The Lauan
Unsurprising that Qarase, just a Lauan commoner and criminal, criticized me for walking upright in front of my fellow autochthons. Qarase needs to understand that we are no longer in the ape age, and as Attorney General it is my prerogative . Holistically speaking following the general principles of Shar’iah, I am only honoring the tradition, but I don’t hold it as holy. In Sha ‘ Allah.

Notwithstanding I see no difference between the natives from Naisoso or from colo . We are all equal. There is no religion, race or culture anymore in Fiji . The sooner this is entrenched in the constitution, the better. As PM Bai reminds us, he is simply irrelevant.

What Qarase said
But I digress. Back to the land which many people are making an issue out of. It is not an issue at all.

First and foremost - all native lands are guaranteed, and rights of all native landowners you must understand are considered collective national rights.


My Land Use Decree and Land Use Regulations makes landowner approval necessary for leases issued under its powers, so landowners must agree to their land being signed into PM's Land Bank.

This is democratic and ensures itaukei rights to agree are entrenched.

Once the land is in the bank, PM Bai and I can do what we like with it and grant any amount of time on the leases ( ie we can give it to who we like and for any fee we like) and the landowners are not able to tell us what to do with the land.

If we think it would be beneficial for the economy to offer land at low rent to a Chinese company who wants to build a factory for ethanol, this is our prerogative.


Me at Constifusion workshop
Once the land is in our Land bank, as government of the day, we are the only ones best placed to make the best comme il faut decisions on behalf of our native Fijians (lets face it they usually take forever to decide things to do with land matters).

The State holds all the power in the lease relationships.

I have given myself and PM Bai a vast array of powers and we can exercise these with impunity because there is no judicial oversight.

In other words, landowners cannot go to court to ask us to cease and desist , and no court is allowed to hear any court appeals.

To totally ensure this , we have forbidden the judiciary to hear any of these actions ... ie totally banned by decree. Subhanalla.

The reason is simple - we cannot have any interruption to any lease of any land (s 15(1) of the Decree).

After all, by giving the land to us ,we are looking after the best interests of the Landowners and their people, and any court actions are simply a waste of resources and our time.


Ditto above for any tenants on the land. Plus we can cancel any lease at any time , and tenants will not be able to challenge our decisions in court, as the courts are banned from hearing any cases related to Land Use regulations.


In the interests of the good of the country, I have also written into the Land Use Regulations that any future changes to these will NOT need the approval of PM Bai's hand-picked members of Parliament.

This means that the Land Use Decree gives PM Bai (as Minister of Lands) the complete authority and power to make new laws without the approval of Parliament.


iTauikei owners will be paid a “Premium” when leases are first signed. This premium is required to be paid to the government by the tenant up-front before the lease is granted.

 Land Premiums
To show that we are a benevolent government we have thoughtfully paid these to the landowners, BUT note that we are not required to do this. For example if we need the money for something else (like a road to benefit village access to town, this will be diverted to pay for this)


In the interests of democracy for the masses, PM Bai and I have cut the Chiefs right out of the process.

Five landowners have to be appointed as Trustees for any landowning group. They are elected by 60% of the landowners but PM Bai and I can refuse any elected landowner if we do not approve (say because they are Methodists or a member of the FLP or SODELPA). If at any time we do not have a liking for any of the trustees, we can also remove them.

Just to be clear all these facts can be accessed here at this study .

This should clear up any misunderstandings by any of the native insurgents. Masha Allah.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A new day in Fiji and a new issue as always

Good morning my fellow Fijians

As always I greet the day with a yoga session so I feel fit and nimble to greet my people.

I have been feeling much maligned lately about what I and my whole family - aunties, brothers, and my wonderful cousins -  have sacrificed for the good of the country so I will give you a snapshot into my typical day in the interests of being transparent and holistic. This shows you that I am not sitting in my office all day doing nothing as some people would have you believe of me.

On the upside though, I am feeling uplifted about consultations I am having about my draft constifusion around the villages, although to be honest sometimes there is a rent-a-crowd kind of a vibe - each gathering numbering around 50 or so, which is holitictically speaking rather disheartening.

But no matter, it is enough that my government looks credible for the financial outlay and the affectation this causes.

If it wasn't for Ho, my trusted interpreter and bodyguard I would also find the blank looks quite disconcerting. He reassures me , and for those of my readers overseas that do not understand Fijian natives as well as I do, the veiled obscure looks on our faces mirrors great pearls of perplexity and wisdom sinking from within.

The media is also doing a great job reporting on the great numbers of people and concluding non sequiturs.

As Bai our beloved PM wishes us to be more candid and forthright, I thought as promised , I would present you a typical day of mine in pictures.

Notwithstanding, there are issues as always. People are impatient as to the elections and when they will be held. But I will address this.

And I will also address the itaukei land issue as soon have brushed my buiniga (which I have been modeling on the old Fijian style), recited my essential dua's to Allah (may He always be praised), prayed to Mecca, and had my breakfast.

In the interests of promoting multiculturalism and secularism that will soon  be entrenched in Fiji's new Constifusion, I would encourage you all to start reciting the following before your meals :

Bismillahi wa 'ala baraka-tillah

This translates : With Allah's name and upon the blessings granted by Allah (do we eat).

God bless , Lomlom, namaste bin-binbinaka